My Housemate, Mister Wifi is taking his kindergarten class to the Los Angeles Zoo today for a field trip. I suspect they're going to watch hot little monkeys lilting in the heat and falling off their poles.
And speaking of poles, another friend was telling us that she took a class-full of first graders to the zoo and there was a Zebra with a giant hard-on that the kids were pointing at and asking about...Ugh.
And it was just RIDICULOUS in size. Double ugh.
I hate when that Zebra comes over and asks to use my email, as if he doesn't have his own, and I go to the store or something and come back and he's sitting all shirtless and nervous-looking.
Then, I see that my Spam Folder is WIDE open and all my secret stash of Penile Enlargement emails rifled through, my credit card by my phone, my phone dialed to some crazy 800 number and the earbud in that goddamned Zebra's giant, dirty ear. And he's all "ummm...I was just making a few phone calls..."
Apparently also at our fine local zoo, it IS NOT advisable to look the gorilla in the eye, or he'll fling his poo at you.
Apeshitz, meet Lipshitz, my close friend and attorney for years...
Next show at 3:00.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The Ghost of Dom Deluise
It was about six years ago, almost to this very day, when after a night of dinner and wine and lovely company, we decided to make a weiji board and get down to some strange business.
After having written out all the letters, written in little squares that said "Yes" and "No", we realized there were two letter "P"s on the weiji board, which might have been what got our summoning off to such a rocky start.
The overhead lights crackled with electricity as my friends and I fought to put our hands on an old jelly jar lid, which was moving around the board in a hunt for Red October, or a friendly peanut butter lid to pal around with--whichever came first.
"Whose spirit are we going to conjure?" someone asked, "And what shall we ask them?"
Almost as if possessed, and in a low and haunting whisper, I answered for us all, "We would like to speak to the ghost of Dom Deluise...and we are going to ask him which was his favorite Cannonball Run...We are going to ask him what it was like to work with Burt Reynolds...We are going to question, 'Are Lonnie Anderson's breasts real, Dom?--Tell us, for we MUST KNOW!' We are going to see if he still gets hungry from the Great Beyond, and we are going to try to find out what his favorite kind of sandwich is....Now hush!"
As the jelly lid whizzed around from one letter to another, spelling out crazy bullshit things we cried, "What are you trying to tell us Dom? What is it that you're struggling to say?"
Suddenly, in a dazzling feat of magic and pseudo-science, The Ghost of Dom Deluise began to speak through me...And out of my mouth, Dom said in a painful, droning wail, "Givvve meee a sandwiccchhhh... Givvve MEEE A SANDWICHHHH! GIMME A SANDWICH!!!! GIMME A SANDWICH!"
To make things easier on the poor fella we made another short-answer box next to the ones saying "Yes" and "No" that simply said, "Gimme a Sammich". The lid kept moving over to this spot--Eerie stuff!
We figured out all sorts of things that night. We moved through time and space to solve ancient riddles, etcetera.
CUT TO:
Having forgotten all about that night's dark work, I was sitting at my office desk maybe two or three days later, probably typing up a memo to the Board of Trustees or some such thing...Out of nowhere every one of the people who had been at the seance for The Ghost of Dom Deluise began calling and emailing me--all within the course of about five minutes.
Apparently some one had realized that Dom Deluise wasn't actually dead and had called or emailed the rest of the party to alert them to my 'fraud'.
I'm not sure why, but everyone decided that they felt a little gypped, a little cheated--they had seen the man behind the curtain and it was me. They all wanted to know why? Why had I done it? Had I known he wasn't dead yet? What was I thinking?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I told everyone. Right. Dom Deluise is not fucking dead, but I had some serious questions for him, we all did, and I didn't have his phone number.
Then I sang a teary-eyed and slowed-down rendition of That's Entertainment.
Dom Deluise, You Big Happy Fella, You'll be missed!
Happy Cinco De Mayo, Dom. Valla Con Huevos.
After having written out all the letters, written in little squares that said "Yes" and "No", we realized there were two letter "P"s on the weiji board, which might have been what got our summoning off to such a rocky start.
The overhead lights crackled with electricity as my friends and I fought to put our hands on an old jelly jar lid, which was moving around the board in a hunt for Red October, or a friendly peanut butter lid to pal around with--whichever came first.
"Whose spirit are we going to conjure?" someone asked, "And what shall we ask them?"
Almost as if possessed, and in a low and haunting whisper, I answered for us all, "We would like to speak to the ghost of Dom Deluise...and we are going to ask him which was his favorite Cannonball Run...We are going to ask him what it was like to work with Burt Reynolds...We are going to question, 'Are Lonnie Anderson's breasts real, Dom?--Tell us, for we MUST KNOW!' We are going to see if he still gets hungry from the Great Beyond, and we are going to try to find out what his favorite kind of sandwich is....Now hush!"
As the jelly lid whizzed around from one letter to another, spelling out crazy bullshit things we cried, "What are you trying to tell us Dom? What is it that you're struggling to say?"
Suddenly, in a dazzling feat of magic and pseudo-science, The Ghost of Dom Deluise began to speak through me...And out of my mouth, Dom said in a painful, droning wail, "Givvve meee a sandwiccchhhh... Givvve MEEE A SANDWICHHHH! GIMME A SANDWICH!!!! GIMME A SANDWICH!"
To make things easier on the poor fella we made another short-answer box next to the ones saying "Yes" and "No" that simply said, "Gimme a Sammich". The lid kept moving over to this spot--Eerie stuff!
We figured out all sorts of things that night. We moved through time and space to solve ancient riddles, etcetera.
CUT TO:
Having forgotten all about that night's dark work, I was sitting at my office desk maybe two or three days later, probably typing up a memo to the Board of Trustees or some such thing...Out of nowhere every one of the people who had been at the seance for The Ghost of Dom Deluise began calling and emailing me--all within the course of about five minutes.
Apparently some one had realized that Dom Deluise wasn't actually dead and had called or emailed the rest of the party to alert them to my 'fraud'.
I'm not sure why, but everyone decided that they felt a little gypped, a little cheated--they had seen the man behind the curtain and it was me. They all wanted to know why? Why had I done it? Had I known he wasn't dead yet? What was I thinking?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I told everyone. Right. Dom Deluise is not fucking dead, but I had some serious questions for him, we all did, and I didn't have his phone number.
Then I sang a teary-eyed and slowed-down rendition of That's Entertainment.
Dom Deluise, You Big Happy Fella, You'll be missed!
Happy Cinco De Mayo, Dom. Valla Con Huevos.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Rare Gems
One more for the day; a gift from me to you:
http://www.earwormmp3.com/brazilian_diamonds.mp3
You can download it for free. It's just sweet and, well, there you go.
DJ Earworm is awesome, FYI and has mashups available to download on his website:
http://www.djearworm.com/
http://www.earwormmp3.com/brazilian_diamonds.mp3
You can download it for free. It's just sweet and, well, there you go.
DJ Earworm is awesome, FYI and has mashups available to download on his website:
http://www.djearworm.com/
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Okay, I want this!
http://yousetthescene.blogspot.com/2009/02/sinking-radio-radar-bros-uncle.html
The cover of Uncle Albert Admiral Halsey by the Radar Brothers is SO FUN! There's a link where you can hear it at the above website--scroll down, succah!
And I try so hard not to be a fan of that P. McCartney!
The cover of Uncle Albert Admiral Halsey by the Radar Brothers is SO FUN! There's a link where you can hear it at the above website--scroll down, succah!
And I try so hard not to be a fan of that P. McCartney!
I Sang Neither of These:
They did NOT have this song at karaoke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFhO321qdmk
(sorry would not let me embed video)
But they did have this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFhO321qdmk
(sorry would not let me embed video)
But they did have this one:
Skaraoke
We got a karaoke room in Little Tokyo last night and I realized not only that I can't sing, but I REALLY, REALLY can't sing. I mean I guess I knew this, but it's never stopped me before. I mean I guess it was little more than a small detour last night, but still...Why do I pick songs like Wanna be Starting Something and Careless Whisper? So shameless, so bad.
Needless to say, it was SO MUCH FUN. Everyone else could sing or faked it (with enthusiasm and dancing/marching). And I met two adorable and lovely ladies, for the second time, who I'm really glad to know.
I like grown women who stand on furniture like that's what it was made for.
Needless to say, it was SO MUCH FUN. Everyone else could sing or faked it (with enthusiasm and dancing/marching). And I met two adorable and lovely ladies, for the second time, who I'm really glad to know.
I like grown women who stand on furniture like that's what it was made for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)