Why do I play dumb games with uninteresting people? Am I really that bored?
Yes, yes I am.
Off to twiddle my thumbs until a new day arrives,
DG
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I'll Never Sleep Well Again
I was recently informed that someone I used to date was often likened to Quagmire on Family Guy.
Hot Ham Water
Thanks again, Arrested Development, for planting another disgusting thought in my head.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Another Date with Disaster
My older sister convinced me to go to a high school dance with her boyfriend's "single" friend when I was in ninth grade by paying me $20. It seemed like a lot of cash at the time and probably was when you consider what I would spend it on...Probably something like this:
2 Cassette tapes
1 can Aqua Net hair spray
2 new colors of nail polish (was into blue, black and green at the time, with a mission to find a certain color of deep emerald green with a certain smallish texture of glitter inside...???)
1 Pair of Tights (probably plaid)
Eyeliner
So that really was a lot of money at the time.
Anyhow, I went to the dance and ignored the poor guy, whose name I forget, and sat in the bleachers with my friends. We were too cool to dance and pretended not to notice where we even were. The indignity.
I asked to be taken home early and had someone else coming to pick me up after I got dropped off. I was saying an awkward goodbye from the passenger seat of his car when my sister and her date pulled up alongside us in front of my parent's house. She happily yelled through the open windows, "We'll go around the block a few more times so you two can kiss!"
They drove off and in a panic I froze.
He was very tall, this tenth grader, and as he leaned in to kiss me, I ducked out from under his arm, opening the car door on my side and toppled backwards onto the sidewalk. I quickly regained whatever composure I could pretend to have and scuttled inside.
What rot.
2 Cassette tapes
1 can Aqua Net hair spray
2 new colors of nail polish (was into blue, black and green at the time, with a mission to find a certain color of deep emerald green with a certain smallish texture of glitter inside...???)
1 Pair of Tights (probably plaid)
Eyeliner
So that really was a lot of money at the time.
Anyhow, I went to the dance and ignored the poor guy, whose name I forget, and sat in the bleachers with my friends. We were too cool to dance and pretended not to notice where we even were. The indignity.
I asked to be taken home early and had someone else coming to pick me up after I got dropped off. I was saying an awkward goodbye from the passenger seat of his car when my sister and her date pulled up alongside us in front of my parent's house. She happily yelled through the open windows, "We'll go around the block a few more times so you two can kiss!"
They drove off and in a panic I froze.
He was very tall, this tenth grader, and as he leaned in to kiss me, I ducked out from under his arm, opening the car door on my side and toppled backwards onto the sidewalk. I quickly regained whatever composure I could pretend to have and scuttled inside.
What rot.
High School Dating Memory
I met someone who looked just like the adult version of someone I dated very briefly in 10th or 11th grade--forget which--and the long-forgotten memory of that came flooding back to me and has been cracking me up all day.
He was a year younger than I, so I couldn't take him at all seriously to begin with. And then there was his high-pitched, fire-truck-siren-inspired squeal whenever he thought something was funny. He considered me to be "the funniest person he ever met," a regular laugh-riot.
The relationship was all of my shocking dead-panisms and his hysterical laughter. There was nothing more to it than that.
He was incredibly attractive and mindlessly stupid. But he had that crazy laugh-track, and I am still not above pushing the single button any given toy might have, over and over and over again....
He came from an extremely conservative back-ground with all sorts of conduct codes brow-beaten into him by his parents. He was poised and polished, naive and starched.
But he followed me around like a dumb dog and I'll admit I loved it. I had a sassy mouth and an attitude that really sucked. With ratty hair dyed whatever color, too much eyeliner and dressed to break my mother's heart, I never got to meet the parents. This was fine with me because fuck them anyhow.
I can't imagine a lipsticked teenage tart with Sid Vicious swagger spouting Fran Liebowitz-isms wouldn't be amusing and I know I worked that angle.
I became increasingly interested in seeing this giggling, one-trick-pony crack and launched an intensive campaign of talking the most dreadful smack, doing my damndest to shock and appall. He only laughed more wickedly and wildly at anything and everything I would say and rather indiscriminately. I was not impressed. I remember thinking of hyenas and feeling sad.
I convinced him to drink tequila shots and make out with me, but it wasn't until I went for his zipper that he stopped laughing and looked sick. He said that nothing was wrong but he just remembered he had to have dinner with his grandparents and he was late. We never really talked again and that's all I know about that.
Happy New Year!
He was a year younger than I, so I couldn't take him at all seriously to begin with. And then there was his high-pitched, fire-truck-siren-inspired squeal whenever he thought something was funny. He considered me to be "the funniest person he ever met," a regular laugh-riot.
The relationship was all of my shocking dead-panisms and his hysterical laughter. There was nothing more to it than that.
He was incredibly attractive and mindlessly stupid. But he had that crazy laugh-track, and I am still not above pushing the single button any given toy might have, over and over and over again....
He came from an extremely conservative back-ground with all sorts of conduct codes brow-beaten into him by his parents. He was poised and polished, naive and starched.
But he followed me around like a dumb dog and I'll admit I loved it. I had a sassy mouth and an attitude that really sucked. With ratty hair dyed whatever color, too much eyeliner and dressed to break my mother's heart, I never got to meet the parents. This was fine with me because fuck them anyhow.
I can't imagine a lipsticked teenage tart with Sid Vicious swagger spouting Fran Liebowitz-isms wouldn't be amusing and I know I worked that angle.
I became increasingly interested in seeing this giggling, one-trick-pony crack and launched an intensive campaign of talking the most dreadful smack, doing my damndest to shock and appall. He only laughed more wickedly and wildly at anything and everything I would say and rather indiscriminately. I was not impressed. I remember thinking of hyenas and feeling sad.
I convinced him to drink tequila shots and make out with me, but it wasn't until I went for his zipper that he stopped laughing and looked sick. He said that nothing was wrong but he just remembered he had to have dinner with his grandparents and he was late. We never really talked again and that's all I know about that.
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 1, 2008
To Spam Folder, With Love
Dear Michael_Vincent5, Michael Vincent2, Micheal222, thank you three Michaels for finding me a job almost every day! It's nice to have online associates looking out for my needs! So are you guys Siamese Triplets or WHAT?
Dear Bob Allen, thanks for your 90 Day Free Wealth Challenge! You rock!
And to all the ladies, men, children and dogs who are always on the lookout for new and interesting ways to enlarge my penis--from the bottom of my thank, I heart you!
xoxox- Darla
Dear Bob Allen, thanks for your 90 Day Free Wealth Challenge! You rock!
And to all the ladies, men, children and dogs who are always on the lookout for new and interesting ways to enlarge my penis--from the bottom of my thank, I heart you!
xoxox- Darla
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